10 Not So Secret, Secrets to Happiness
Thing of it is... when I hear someone whining that things never go their way, how life really sucks and that people are so full of it, it's usually coming from a young person. By young, I mean under forty. Don't get me wrong. I know there are plenty of old whiners out there too. Some people are never happy unless there's something to bitch about. You probably know someone like this; a person who, when things are running along just fine, feel compelled to look for the next bad thing to happen.
Here, in the U.S., we're pretty lucky no matter how low on the totem pole we are. There are places in the world, where people have to, not only worry if they'll have a next meal, but whether or not they'll be blown up before the sun sets each day. Think I don't know how it is to be on the bottom of the totem pole. Well, maybe not the bare bottom but close enough. There was a time when I had to start again from nothing. Okay, I did have my driver's license, curling iron and the clothes on my back. That's pretty frickin' close to the bottom. But, other people had it far worse. I was alive and as long as I was alive there was a 'next'; a what do I do next, a next thing to do and a next day... and enough days passed to bring me to this day.
I realize that some of people don't even recognize their own whiney behavior, but I bet their friends do. Most of people will accept what I'm about to say as good advice but not apply it to real life... But will tell themselves they do, or will. Some are convinced that it's life itself that's crappy no matter what anyone does; that it's all a matter of fate or part of God's plan. But a very few will be tired enough of being disappointed all the time, to actually do something about it... and this post is really for those few.
I'm not an expert on living. I have no degree in psychology, psychiatry, philosophy or any other thing that ends in 'y' that makes people seem smart and therefore believable. And there is nothing written here you've probably never heard before. But perhaps right now, something might be going on in life, or rather in the few of you, that will make these oft repeated ideas more real than before.
Knowing something and realizing something, after all, are two entirely different things. We can know that a thing is bad for us because we've heard or read it somewhere. But until it affects directly, it's not part of our reality. We can rationalize against it. But when an idea becomes real to us, when we realize it, it's often impossible to go against it... because it has become part of our collection of beliefs. Unfortunately, many people believe things that they have yet to realize... and perhaps wouldn't want to realize, if they committed some time to questioning their beliefs. It might sound like some deep depressing exercise and BLAH. Well, the plus side of looking at yourself is that it gives you a deeper understanding of others. We may not all share the very same fears and have the exact same desires, but we all have both fears and desires that affect how, why, where, what we do and with whom we choose to it... except maybe for sociopathic serial killers and we're not talking about them anyway.
1. Life itself is neither good or bad, fair or unfair. Life is the bag that everything is in. Things in the bag effect each other.
2. No matter how bad it is for you, there are a lot of people way worse off. So, it's pretty narcissistic to waste time dwelling on how your life sucks. While you're crying, ponder what you can do to remedy the situation. This gives you more control over the outcome. Besides, you can't ponder and brood at the same time. Pondering requires some curiosity. Brooding requires one to dwell. Dwelling holds in one place in time. Curiosity makes time irrelevant. So, it is intellectually and emotionally impossible to brood and ponder simultaneously. If you think you can, you're not pondering at all.
3. Looking in the mirror and affirming yourself will not raise your self-esteem. If it works at all, it won't last long. Do something to give yourself a reason to believe you're worthy. It doesn't have to be a great big thing. Spending time with a nice person you've been neglecting for a while can go a long way in boosting your feelings of self-worth. Nothing is more rewarding than doing for others... even if it's only a little thing to you it might mean a lot to them.
I'm reminded here, of a story told by Leo Buscaglia. A man whose wife had died asked Leo if it would be all right to have his wife buried in a red dress. Seems she'd always wanted a dress and he'd never got her one in life and wanted to fulfill this wish for her. Leo's response wasn't at all surprising to me. It went something like this: Why didn't you get that dress for her when she was alive?! What good is it going to do her now. You're just doing it to make yourself feel better! Do for people when they're living.
4. Choose your friends. Not everyone is worth knowing. Dump the jerks who are constantly dumping on you and your good friends. And if you want a good friend, be a good friend. Some people do not deserve the time or attention it takes to say their name. Some of these kinds of people might be related to you. Everyone is part of someone family... People like Hitler, rapists, pedophiles and even serial killers are part of someone's family. Some family members are better left for seeing only at family gatherings, if then.
5. There's really no such thing as luck. If you keep your mind and your senses open you'll become aware of opportunities that others overlook. If you keep yourself ready for such opportunities and take advantage of them, other people will think you're just lucky.
6. Don't waste effort on things you can't change. Figure out ways to get around them or move on despite them. For instance, when you're around people who dislike you, be at ease and keep smiling. It will drive them nuts and others will admire you for your grace.
7. Listen to what's going on in your head. Question your own beliefs and ideas occasionally. This mental/emotional/spiritual house cleaning will bring on a calmer state of mind and leave room to sharpen your intuition. If you believe something, ask yourself why. Whatever answer you come up with, keep asking why until you get to the bottom why.
8. Practice being optimistic. Practice anything and you'll get good at it. People practice things all the time without being aware of it. If you practice being an ass, you'll get good at that too.
practice, drill, practice session, recitation
(systematic training by multiple repetitions)
A simple example would be a child who does not brush her teeth before she goes to bed. She is practicing not brushing her teeth and will get used to not doing that and will in fact become very adept at not doing it. Anything done repeatedly is equivalent to practicing it. If you do not practice looking for what's positive in your life you will become very good at not finding it.
You don't have to look for misfortune. Shit happens. Often what's positive might be hard to recognize. Happiness often requires effort on our part. We have to create it if we want more than just what happens to flow in our direction... usually caused by something or someone else. And simply smiling, even if you're alone, even if you have to force it, will brighten your mood. You've certainly nothing to lose by trying it when you're alone. Really. Your body can trick your brain. It's a scientific fact.
9. Don't rely on karma or revenge to bring you satisfaction. Do good, not because you want gratitude but because in the long run it makes the world overall, a better place, while you're still in it.Revenge? Time you waste plotting against someone is time you could be spending on your own forward momentum.
10. Don't wait for happiness. Do things you like. Invite, instead of waiting for an invitation. You can create happiness by yourself, with family, with friends... one moment at a time. The things that come to those who wait, is all the crappy stuff left by those who got there first.
P.S. If you think I've been trying to say we ought to be gloriously happy, surrounded by cute woodland creatures and birds tweeting, fairy princess kind of happy, you have missed the point. We'd get real tired of that real fast.. due to the woodland creature and and bird poo buildup.
There are gradations of happiness. What I am saying is, when we stop dwelling on how much things suck, we probably have more to be happy about than we believe we do. If you don't believe you make a difference, think of the people you've pissed off, just to change their day.
Every day we wake up is another opportunity. Everyone isn't going to be the one that saves the whole world. The whole world is a lot better off when more people are doing their tiny part to betterify, their personal portion of it.
There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect. ~Nikki Giovanni
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