Creative Self-Defense

Years ago I was living in San Jose, CA. After ending a seventeen year long relationship, I found myself living in a shared downtown apartment without a car. Relying on mass transit during the day isn't so bad. Well, anything is better than walking. For a woman, well for anyone I suppose, using the transit system at night can be a completely different experience. There are fewer people riding, as well as on the street. Some people may only appear to be threatening if you're alone near them. Others actually are threatening. It's not always clear which is which.

One late night, as I was walking home from the light rail and I noticed that a man seemed to be following me. It was very late on a week night and there was no one else in sight. I'm not panic prone, so I just crossed the street. Then, almost immediately, he crossed the street too but kept a short distance between us. I wanted very much for this to be a coincidence. I turned a corner. He turned the corner. I glanced behind me and there was nothing casual about him. He was focused on me. What do I do, what do I do? He wasn't a big guy but he was bigger than me. I considered running. But no, that would make me look scared. I'd look like prey. Besides, I was wearing heels.

I was beginning to get angry about not having a car, about having to be out so late, about wearing heels and about this stupid guy who I thought was about to make my life miserable. I've never had any self-defense training. I've never owned a gun because I can't even aim a bowling ball enough to keep it out of the gutter. In a struggle, an attacker might take my gun and shoot me with it. I'm 5'2" but a former military brat, so I know enough to walk down the street like I own it and not to look like a victim. This time, it didn't seem as though confidence was going to be enough. Kick him in the testicless? No, he'd just grab my leg. I knew if he grabbed me, my best option would be to try and dig my thumbs into his eye sockets. I was preparing myself for that. He was now within a few feet of me.

Suddenly, an idea exploded in my head and without hesitation I acted on it. I turned to face him and started acting like a stark raving, off-the-meds nutcase. I was shouting obscenities with such force that spit was flying out of my mouth. I screamed whatever foreign phrases I could think of. So caught up was I, in this fake hysteria that, for a time it felt as though I really had lost my mind. Then, in a flash, I noticed his eyes were wide in shock, surprise and maybe fear. He might have thought, at any moment, my head would start spinning around. I've never, in real life, seen such terror on a grown man's face. He ran off... I was stayed in character until he was out of sight. Finally, all alone, the biggest laugh ever busted right out of me. I laughed so hard I cried, couldn't walk and nearly wet myself.

Some time later, I told this story to a law enforcement officer to get his reaction. He told me I did the right thing under the circumstances. Apparently most people, even bad guys, are afraid of crazy people. Crazy people can be scary.

Kat, Thing of it is