How to Talk About Women and Be Politically Correct

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT MODEL.

She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED – She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY – She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE – She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She does not have THIN LIPS – She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT.