I would say, love is always about friendship and, which is even more important, about mutual respect. When there is no friendship and respect, it is, probably not love, but a fling or a short-time affair, when a couple enjoys some impressive moments and sex (of course, if there is such).
I have been friends with my fiance for almost 4 years and only after such long friendship we realized we truly loved each other and then came the passion. So, I guess, if you are looking for love, which could lead to long-term and real-life relations, you should look for someone, who will understand you as your best friend. Good luck! :)

Hi Andrii,

Like many young adults, these issues take up a large portion of my thoughts, etc.

From my experience, love does indeed exist after passion, and what's more, it is so much better. Not to say my wife doesn't like some romance and not to say that I don't like it at times either, I can say with no reservation that it wasn't until I realized that "true love" is commitment and a decision, not really a feeling, that I experienced true happiness.

That "feeling" I believe is what can happen at first sight but not "true love." What happened when I changed my way of thinking is that I stopped searching for that utopia, realized my wife and I are humans, and relaxed quite a bit regarding my marriage. Lo and behold, overall atmosphere became much less tense since we weren't trying to recreate when we first got together and we actually do have more of those "honeymoon" type days again.

If we can have disagreements and arguments with our parents and siblings, it is inevitable that at time we will with our spouse. If I viewed "true love" as only a feeling I wouldn't be able to sustain myself through the argument. My feelings are pretty chaotic at that moment. But I know very well exactly why I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife. I think about it all the time when I'm feeling good so when I'm feeling bad I might not "feel" the love but I most definitely remember it's there.

I believe the ones who always want romance and passion, and take that desire to the extreme are the ones who hop from person to person constantly getting hurt because the other person cannot live up to the expectations.

Anyway... my wife and I have been tremendously happier since coming to this way of thinking.

And Andrii regarding best friends... I teach English as a second language for a few hours a week so asking someone to describe their best friend is a pretty common question for me to ask people... I always cringe when I hear a married person name someone other than their husband or wife as their best friend. I can't even understand how it could possibly be someone else.

Sincerely,

Chris Hutchinson

Any system sustains longer under a respected rule. If we consider 'Relation' as a system, then it shall obey certain rules to stay longer. This is a 5-fold rule made up of: Understanding, respecting, obeying, Caring & adjusting. Any body who doesnt care about these rules, generally break with relationship just like how a system gets breakdown if any of its components fails to support the system.

Love & Passion are just like fuel for these five rules. It means, if you dont have a fuel, system can't run.

Friendship or marriage is not fuel, they are systems. SO, these have to follow 5-fold rule.

Hi Andrii, This view, I learnt from people only....try to talk to people who sustained long time in single relation ship, as well as who broke after couple of years, then compare. They may not put their reasons in words exactly that way...but surely will be on same grounds. I am helpless being an engineer to make those grounds in to such terminology (like 5-fold, systems etc.,)...lol..

Indeed in my own life I have few such long time friendships(>25years) and continuing even now. That is working on same rule. If I mess up with any of these rules, probably thats the end with my friendships. Isnt it?

There is another good book which reflects similar thoughts 'Tuesdays with Moris' by Mitch Albom. I dont say, it will talk about only relations, love or friends, but it will discuss the realities of life. If you get a chance read that book, its very nice book.

I have very high hopes for your current relationship Andrii. It's clear to me you CARE... that's a big big deal... huge actually... because you don't only seem to care about having a good relationship... as you put it in your initial post, you care about caring what is really important to your partner... big difference when put into practice than merely caring about having a good relationship... though it might seem very similar, this slight difference should cause you to work harder, and it does take hard work... but it is so very worth it.

Good luck to your girlFRIEND and you!!!

TG... my mother speaks very highly of that book and one of his others, 'the five people you meet in Heaven'... I am positive I will read them at some point. I am always reading 3-5 books at a time but have a long list "need to read" books so it may be a few months months until I get to it... I've considered watching the movie with Hank Azaria and Jack Lemmon but I much prefer reading so I haven't yet.

I Believe that Love is Nothing but a Close Friendship

Well spoken and thank you for sharing, everyone. Andrii - kudos for opening up and CARING. That's BIG. With care, open-mindness and a little more time to build your relationship, YOU'll find True Love. Your current girlfriend is lucky! Whether she's the ONE or not, at least she's in a genuine, meaningful relationship.
And Chris - that was a really powerful statement about "true love = commitment and decision, not a feeling". Finally TG, I married an engineer and that was a great insight. Truly appreciate it.
I like to share as well, and pardon my long explanation.
I was married to my "ideals" so I was sorely disappointed when my kind but conservative husband disagreed on almost everything.
TRUE LOVE is NOT all about ME but learning to love the OTHER person as HE/ SHE wants/ deserves to be loved. THEN, you'll see the MAGIC happens. "Be fearless and the first to give, and you'll receive MORE in return"! That's what my ex-boyfriend-turned-husband said!
That's why developing friendship is SO important. WHY?
Differences will soon emerge after the passion, no matter how similar you are. The stability of a friendship will create the safe and respectful environment to bring up uncomfortable issues without intimidating the other party in the process - half the battle of a successful communication. And you're going to need all the success to resolve differences in an open and constructive way - before it turns into a conflict. Now you need the method of art of resolving conflicts.
So here're my 3 steps. LOL.
1. If you can articulate differences without anger or using the blame-game, you will NOT go into conflict. At this stage, I don't call differences "conflicts"... yet AND the good part is, they need NOT be. Again the benefit of a friendship - You need to feel safe FIRST in your companion's presence in order to speak up truthfully; versus disrespecting your partner by jumping on him/ her or go into muted silence (building a wall of resentment). Walking out and withdrawal are not good signs. They are still demonstrations of anger, albeit, non-confrontational. No one is blind to this silent, seething anger! Your partner knows you're punishing him/ her. So learn to speak up and be heard.
2. So speak with kindness, empathy and compassion so that 1) your partner is respected, and thus, 2) your partner CAN hear YOU. Language is important here, don't say, "YOU make me so angry...", instead say, "I am angry/ upset and want to understand why..." Takes the blame away from the other party and engaging them in a constructive discussion. Instead of putting the other party on the defensive or making your partner a "victim". This is when I call it a conflict.
3. Finally, LISTEN. DON'T interrupt. Allow your partner to speak in full sentences!

Seriously by listening to your partner and getting yourself heard in the process is key to being cherished and creating a loving environment.
And finally guys, this is the MAGIC I am talking about - your partner will know how to turn on the passion in return! She CAN'T pass up a loving man who cherishes her, in spite of her flaws! She's not blind to her faults, she just doesn't need to be put in a spot!

Ooops, I mean, "Now you need the method or (not "OF") art of resolving conflicts."

About friendship - I have another insight. Men and women do express themselves differently. So I am not ashamed to say my girlfriend is my soul-mate and best friend. I am a self-help junkie and had been fixing myself for years. Trying to drag my conservative husband to self-help seminars and putting him in a spot to share his emotions with strangers FREAKED him out. I used to think he was "wrong" for me because he was not my soulmate! And worse, he didn't love me enough.
Then I learned that men don't emote the same way. Women pour out their feelings unreservedly, and almost undoubtedly, receive sympathetic and emphatic responses from her female friends. Unfortunately for men, this is a terrible sign of weakness - a MAJOR turn-off and undoubtedly, will freak his friends out!
So I can't expect the same rich outpouring of emotions from him.
Now I can accept his succinct replies. They were not cutting me short nor signs of an unfeeling man. He just doesn't emote like my girlfriends. I should give him room to be himself, not say what I want to hear.
But he'll do stuff for me instead. May not be the most romantic, but you don't punish a man for trying or caring. Patience and praise are critical to see my husband evolving and more open to expressing his feelings. Somewhere in this conservative and kind man, I'll find my soulmate!
My last words, friendship with girlfriends is just as important. For what they do best! I am blessed to be surrounded by a core of good, solid relationships. Whatever shape and form they may be.